he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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