Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
