i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
