i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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