If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
