You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
