dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
