took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
