i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
