Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
