You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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