please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
