Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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