my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
