Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize