I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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