what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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