I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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