Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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