I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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