I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
