Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
