Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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