I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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