I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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