No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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