im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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