You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
