I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
