We're like a lot better than the average bears
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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