I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
