I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
