I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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