I didn't shave. On purpose
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
