Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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