The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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