I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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