I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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