Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
