Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
