somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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