Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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