What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
