he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
