cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
