i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
