I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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