I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
