Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
