there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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