drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
